Breakfast At Tiffany's

Breakfast At Tiffany's

Movie

In the spirit of completely changing tones from last month I've gone with the 1961 romp through insanity that is Breakfast At Tiffany's, directed by Blake Edwards. These spoilers have been collecting dust in their display case for about 55 years. What I'm trying to say is that JFK was president at the time, and I have no idea how that's relevant to anything.

Where I'm Coming From & What I Expect

No surprise that the last movie I saw was Halloween. While having a theme made it easy to pick a movie I'm ready to move out of a single genre. Don't worry though, we're treading familiar ground as today's source material is a 1958 novella of the same name by Truman Capote. I can't reiterate this enough, Hollywood today is no more devoid of ideas than it ever was.

Audrey Hepburn and Mickey Rooney are the only actors I'm already familiar with, but only by name. However, I do know all about the yellowface controversy based on the abundance of screengrabs floating around, and I'm excited to find out exactly how terrible it really is.

I'm under the impression Hepburn's character is a call girl, so I'm expecting some zany antics, hoping for a lighter mood, and ultimately disappointed I won't be getting the blood fest I was gearing up for last month (unless this movie takes a very unexpected turn).

What I'm Bringing

Homemade cinnamon tortilla chips and some Deschutes Mirror Pond Pale Ale. I just had dinner, so do I really want to eat anything else right now? No. Am I in the mood for booze? No. Why am I doing this to myself?

My trainer is just off camera waiting to rub the meat sweat from my forehead..

My trainer is just off camera waiting to rub the meat sweat from my forehead..

Play

The opening makes it quite apparent that the Tiffany in question is one of Tiffany & Co, which I can't believe I hadn't figured out before this. I'm not sure what universe it's useful to put your full coffee cup in a paper bag with your food. I can look past that though because I'm uncomfortable watching her eat with these black gloves on. I'm glad this scene ends with responsible disposal of her garbage. I was under the impression that older generations tossed their garbage on the road and giant Roombas took to the streets at night like feral goats, but everyone is wrong about something.

I can't even describe the absolute what the fuck amount of Asian stereotyping that's happening. It would be nice if we could look back at this and laugh because of how far we've progressed, but yeah, this kind of stuff is still happening. Congratulations current year (this applies no matter when you are reading), you are the time that people are looking back at in disgust. 

Now that we're done demeaning Asians we can move on to women, like the next category in asshole Jeopardy. The guy that's harassing Hepburn is quite clearly stating he expects something in return for spending money on her. In case anyone was wondering, men still view women as objects, and yes the date stamp on this post is from 2016. I'll take misogyny for 400 Alex.

I don't know anyone who sleeps with an eye mask or ear plugs. As ridiculous as the eye mask looks I can understand more of a need for it today so that we can know what it's like to sleep normally again. Hepburn doesn't need to worry about a midnight Facebook update. I call BS on ear plugs though - my fridge makes a noise Skrillex wouldn't even sample and I live next to a freeway yet I'm counting lamb chops within five minutes of head meeting pillow.

I wish I could know what it's like to live in the age of letting random people into your house to use the phone. The ability to trust that hard is firmly in the past. This random guy is surprisingly chill about the fact that she's spouting nonsense (note: #notallwomen) and her apartment is a disaster. On the flip side, she's surprisingly comfortable letting this guy watch her get ready.

She sure has no problem snooping around and climbing in this guy's window. I knew that other woman wasn't his decorator. Looks like Hepburn isn't the only one using their body as a bone town cash machine. I also realize her character is named Holly Golightly, which might as well be on this list, so I'm going to just keep referring to her as Hepburn.

This is manic pixie dream girl shit decades before the phrase was coined. She's treating his apartment like a hotel, drinking his booze and lighting up without asking. It's kind of rude for her to keep calling him Fred even after he tells her his name is Paul. I wouldn't be able to write a book in forever either if I had to use a typewriter. I'm barely able to write a 1500 word post every other week with a computer.

I'm under the impression this party consists of call girls and their future customers. Her cigarette pole is comically long. It definitely isn't the appropriate cocktail party length, which is an actual thing that exists. It's strange to see there are real Asian women present. This would have been a great opportunity to use more yellowface makeup, unless the production already knew they were pushing it with one. I was waiting for some kind of bad ADR and Mr Brazil doesn't disappoint. The apartment is body to body and they're being crazy loud so it was a good bet the cops were going to be called. Oh wait, Mr Brazil can't be seen by the cops? Whew, I thought they were going to let a darker skinned guy show up and not have trouble with the law.

Sing Sing has incredibly loose visiting rules. They let you sit at a wooden table with each other in an open room. There's no way Hepburn can't know her 'weather report' from a gangster is a way he can run his organization from inside prison.

No one sits on their window singing and playing guitar. At least she's actually fingering chords, so that's better than pretty much every other mimed musical performance in a movie. The soft light on all of her close ups is a nice touch though.

The introduction of this Doctor guy just complicates this already batshit crazy movie. Apparently he doesn't feel bad saying he married Hepburn when she was 14, which should have made people uncomfortable even back then. This entire subplot was unnecessary since he leaves the way he showed up - by himself.

Hepburn and Paul spending a day doing stuff they've never done before is straight out of every manic pixie dream girl movie ever. I'm surprised there hasn't already been a remake of this movie starring Bones' sister. The salesperson at Tiffany's is a bit curt, to put it mildly. Maybe he's just trying to get through the day without insufferable customers like these two forcing him to instantly develop then suppress the urge to burn the store down.

At first I'm surprised Hepburn's never been to the library but if it took that much effort to check out a book I would probably choose illiteracy too. You probably end up with the same results as 'educated' people anyways. Shoplifting masks then running up to a cop and yelling 'boo' would get you shot immediately, even being white.

This isn't very female empowering; her only goal is to marry a rich man no matter how she feels about him, and unfortunately for everyone Mr Brazil is in the crosshairs. I can't decide if the movie or this garbage pile is more reductive of women.

Every single cat noise, of which there are many, are just stock sounding ADR clips. Surely getting a real cat to act afraid of an insane woman shouldn't be difficult? I now realize the irony in me complaining the movie represents women negatively while bashing Hepburn. Here, since education is power I'm helping right?

This time jump is abrupt and doesn't indicate where we ended up. At least everyone's favorite doctor tells you where you've landed, and as far as I know it's pretty important to know basic setting information in a story.

If you have to say how happy you are that many times it's probably not true. Like that friend of yours who only posts only positive photos and experiences, which seem to tell the complete truth about as frequently as a Michael Moore movie?

Really the only time it's appropriate to be arrested for association with a guy named Sally Tomato is right after dinner, although it would have been more humorous if his name was dessert related. While I'm still astounded she could be so stupid as to not realize she's been passing messages for him, similarly unaware people still very much exist today. Fortunately for Hepburn, the law also thinks she's an idiot.

It's insane that he loves her since she treats everyone around her like shit. Kind of like how a dog will remain loyal in spite of it's owner being human garbage. Feel free to take a moment to mentally find someone else who fits that description. I'm paying attention to the movie so I'm filling that role easily since Hepburn just threw her cat out of a taxi into flood inducing rain. I guess both the cat and Paul are easily forgiving since we get a Nicholas Sparks worthy kiss-in-the-rain ending. Love conquers all, even if you really should be getting professional help!

Done!

I can't entirely comprehend the pure insanity of what I just saw but if that wasn't one entertaining ride. I guess the lesson I learned was that anyone can be unreasonable and unbearable to be around and everything will eventually work itself out. If that's the case then I'm not convinced this movie is deserving of the lasting praise it's been bestowed.

Totally not related to the date stamp on this post, but if for some reason at this moment you're asking yourself how you will get through stuff happening in your life, just remember I made it through this fucking movie. Your move.

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