Top Gun

Top Gun


Does anyone else feel like they need an America pick me up? I do, and that's why I'm riding into the danger zone with 1986's totally not a recruitment video Top Gun, directed by Tony Scott. These spoilers were fatally ejected about 30 years ago.

Where I'm Coming From & What I Expect

I've been sitting on this one for a while, waiting until the right moment to unleash an eagle delivered gunshot of adrenaline back into the cholesterol suffocated heart of the good ol' US of A. So at the time of viewing the last movie I saw was Breakfast At Tiffany's. I imagine Top Gun will provide a very different experience.

I'm not into military stuff (an executive order to shut down the blog has just been issued) and not into planes but I'm sure into well executed insanity and this looks like it will deliver. With Jerry Bruckheimer involved there's a good bet it'll be stupid crazy. Like a clip that most certainly exists of a guy jumping off a barn into a wheelbarrow full of fireworks while holding a Bud Light, but with a budget.

What I'm Bringing

Nothing. Winter is hard, America is harder, and eating a big slice of freedom is good enough.


Not super excited about having to read right off the bat, which on the surface probably makes me sound like one of those idiotic Americans that have been popping up in the news (all claims of stupidity are fake I assure you). It's just that the information I need should be provided somehow during the movie otherwise it's probably not super important. What I should be more concerned about is the fact that the soundtrack is certified a soul crushing 9x platinum, so the 80s jams I'm already being met with are just the beginning.

Does the military actually use ridiculously dumb call signs like Cougar, Merlin, Maverick, and Goose? I feel especially bad for the poor guy who drew the short straw for Goose. If the enemy knew what kind of cutesy names we were flying around with I don't think they'd be too concerned.

In a totally unforeseeable sequence of events Maverick Tom Cruise and Goose have made it into Top Gun. I see this as a good thing since the movie would be a major disappointment had they not advanced. Kind of like if Harry never found out he was a wizard, or Jodie Foster never heard that signal, or that big ship never sank.

The guy at this party is talking really close to Cruise's face, which I guess is a decent move if you're tying to make sure you're heard in a bar environment. Everyone is drinking Bud Light so I know that they're all 'up for whatever,' which includes our heroic non-sexual predators making a $20 bet about being able to score. But it's OK because giving a lively full bar karaoke performance to a complete stranger is the sincerest form of flattery and is much more creative than the Bill Cosby route. What's less OK is following your serenade recipient into the bathroom to essentially beg her to have sex with you. At least he's asking for consent.

I guess we really learn why that sunglasses style is called 'aviator.' They can't wear enough of the damn things. The takeaway here is that people want to protect their eyes and look cool just like Cruise, which seems innocent enough. It's a lot easier than going under the knife to try and grab a hold of that celebrity feeling.

The locker room talk I'm hearing consists of approximately 100% less degradation of women than expected, given the semi-current news cycle. It's more in the strange spirit of 'boys being boys' and less of the 'boys confirming their sexual crimes.'

This is what I was waiting for. Just those slow motion oiled up volleybods set to 80s jams. I can imagine how women (and men) were going nuts during that scene when it first hit screens. The sex appeal alone must account for part of the purported increase in military interest around the time of the film's release.

It's surprising how chill this dinner and hang is with Maverick and Charlotte considering the hard push pickup attempts he used at the bar. I can't decide if that's an illustration of the success of switching to a softer approach or just that it worked to keep pressuring until she wore down - the latter being something that is definitely advice you'd find on human garbage sites like Return Of Kings.

I guess they were waiting for a less appropriate time to turn the heat up on their relationship, like say, following a classroom scene where a clear instructor/student power hierarchy should exist. Instead Maverick shows Charlotte who's really in charge by endangering their lives and the lives of others to have a little vehicle chase. This vulgar display of power appears to have prompted moon goddess Selene to appear once more and throw the city under the darkness of night, despite it looking like late afternoon not five minutes before. This makes perfect sense though; it's hard to have a silhouette sex scene when it's bright out.

This dinner with Goose and his family would drive me insane. I would be so angry if I was having a nice time at this bar/diner/whatever and these idiots show up and start banging on the piano and off key wailing. I don't care how happy you are together, this shit is worse than overdone public proposals.

Hmm, maybe I'll let the previous display of nuclear family tango slide since it looks like Mrs. Goose is now doing the widowed mother waltz. It seems like if a $30 million aircraft is designed with an eject feature part of that technology would include making sure the top of the cockpit isn't still sitting in front of your face when you get blasted out of your seat like it's one of those blobs. Where did all that development money go?

Yeah so this movie got a little darker than I expected, like when that piece of shit Adam Sandler movie (so many choices) morphed into a tearjerker. Except this movie is good and I've learned more valuable life lessons from it.

Every movie hero needs a moment of self doubt and the wisdom of an older father figure. It's all part of the script writing by numbers. If no father figure is available feel free to insert the more cringe worthy wise black man and hope that Morgan Freeman is available.

As I'm learning from my album podcasting, I've been missing so much inspirational 80s music to take to the skies to. I guess I understand some platinums being thrown at this soundtrack now, though nine still seems excessive. Nevermind, the people needed something to keep their spirits up since a fucking actor held highest office in the country.

I'm glad Iceman won Top Gun. He follows protocol and doesn't get people killed which is kind of what I'd look for in someone who pilots expensive death machines. Getting recruited into a mission straight from graduation feels akin to being pulled into brain surgery before the ink on the MD certificate is dry.

I'm finding it hard to believe that firing on another country's aircraft isn't considered a hostile act against that country, or is international relations just more complicated than it looks from the outside? I'll just take my policy ideas back to Twitter where they belong.

This heroes welcome reminds me of the scene where Luke victoriously climbs out of his X-wing at the end of A New Hope. The only difference is Luke destroyed a hub of galactic governmental oppression and Maverick killed a few commie MiGs. Huh, I guess Maverick is way less of a mass murdering terrorist than the celebrated Jedi that generations of children aspired to become.

How noble of Maverick to use his blank check for any placement to become an instructor. Maybe the saying should be the more optimistic sentiment, "those who can might as well show others how." And yes I'm ignoring the little bow that was put on this weak love storyline, because this movie could have replaced all that garbage with more god damn jets!


I forgot what it was like to see an action movie without CG effects and overdone sequences. It's amazing how much better a fight scene looks without a million cuts and shaky cam. Chalk this one up as a victory for movie history and America, but mostly Tom Cruise. Sleep tight America. You'll sleep better than all other countries. You have the best sleep, I tell you.


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